Outcast..by choice?

I haven’t written a post in a long time. I haven’t even been on Twitter much. I have been taking some time to melt in the heat think about some things. I have realized something strange about myself.

There are some people that I like very much. I like reading their blogs. I like seeing their tweets. I like talking to them. I just have a very hard time having a conversation with them and being myself. I don’t know if it’s because I am intimidated by them or if they just make me nervous somehow, but I am smart and funny and genuine until I talk to these people. Then I make stupid jokes and awkwardly try to interject myself into the conversation. It doesn’t help when they give short, condescending replies, either.

This is why I’m intimidated. I don’t by any means consider myself a full time blogger. I don’t do a whole bunch of blog hops. I don’t do guest posts (because nobody asks, because I have nothing important to say haha). As you can see, I still have the free blog at wordpress.com. I’m not in this for money or the numbers of people who read anything I write. I just need to get it out. Honestly, after the “I’m Failing” post I was shocked that so many people actually read this thing! I don’t want a ton of social recognition. I have always had a close group of friends and a whole bunch of acquaintances. That’s just how I am. I have insanely large trust issues, and there are very few people I open up to all the way. That’s why I don’t ever plan on my blog having daily posts. I don’t plan on spilling every detail of my life. I am generally ok with this.

However, when I am talking to someone who does this all day every day all the time, I am SO intimidated. I feel like they are viewing me as beneath them. Not everyone, of course. I have some very good bloggy friends who do an amazing job and I am in awe of. One of whom, Kimberly from Mama’s Monologues, ends up hearing almost every single one of my problems (Sorry, Kim!).

I just feel like I am making myself a social outcast by fumbling over words and sounding like a complete moron. It only makes me shy away more. I’m sure I’m giving myself more credit than I should have. I doubt any of them think anything of me at all, much less worry about how much of a dork I am. I know, however, that I don’t really fit in the club. It gets to me, but at the same time, I don’t think I can make myself vulnerable enough to do all of the writing prompts and vlogs and blog hops.

So, that’s what the absence has been about. Just collecting my thoughts. Trying to decide if I should even continue doing this if I’m not going to make it any bigger than it is. For now, the answer is yes.

Also, thank you guys for always making me feel welcome and like I am not crazy when I spill out all of my insane thoughts on you! I love you guys!

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7 thoughts on “Outcast..by choice?

  1. Do you get anything out of blogging? If so, then continue. So what if you don’t want to earn money or get more into social networking. So long as you are enjoying yourself, you’re good to go.

    And as for anyone making you feel below them? A. I hope it’s all in your head. and B. if it isn’t, then forget them!

  2. I started blogging with the sole purpose of getting things out of my head. That’s all I wanted. And still, to this day, I’m only in this for me. I don’t beat myself up over followers or stats. I don’t seek paid opportunities. My blog is my therapy. And without it? I’d be lost.

    If you get anything out of this for you, keep going. If you only want to post once a week, once a month, then do it. It’s your site. Run it how you want.

    As for those other people? Forget about them! You always talk to me and I never think that you’re a dork or not “cool enough” to talk to me. Ever. Sometimes I’m juggling a few different things at the same time so I can’t respond right away, and when I do maybe it can misinterpreted as being short. Maybe that’s what’s happening? But if they don’t like you for you? Forget them. Just don’t forget, you’re an awesome person! Keep jumping into conversations. They’ll love you!

    And that shout out to me? Best. Compliment. Ever. :)

  3. I can definitely understand some of what you’re going through. I started my blog a while back and have failed horribly with it thus far. As your other two commenters have said, if you are getting something out of this, then keep doing it. I need to vent more in my blog as I tend to keep things bottled up inside and I sure don’t need an explosion any time soon. I also would try not to worry about what people think. If they don’t like you, don’t like what you say, or are just general pains in the rear, then they aren’t worth your time. Hang in there and write as you will :)

  4. Holy sh*t! Did I sleepwalk in the middle of the night and write this post for you? Because it’s like you stole the feelings right from my mind. More people feel like this than you know. I think. I hope.

  5. Usually people who have condescending remarks or negative things to say are the ones intimidated by you. Blogging means different things to different people and serves different purposes. I think you should keep writing; I enjoy your posts and of course chatting with you on Twitter. I often feel like a social outcast amongst my peers because I’m not crying about being single, arguing about if it’s attractive for women to wear wedged heels, sports, or getting uber excited over an OLD cliche. I used to dumb myself down just so I could have friends or feel accepted; not any more! Also, blogging is a great way for those who can’t frequently go out and socialize to connect with others. I like it!

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