Sometimes I feel…

…like the past few years have sucked everything out of me. I can’t explain the feeling. I looked at old pictures today. They were taken shortly before I got pregnant. I looked happy. I looked peaceful. I looked far younger.

I love my son with every ounce of everything in my body. The thing is, I really have lost myself. I am not the same person I used to be.

I realized today that I have become so negative and so jaded that I will never be happy again if I stay on this path. The only thing holding me back is me. I don’t trust anyone. At all. There is not a single person in my life that I can look at and think, “yeah, they’ll be there if I need them.” I have this wall up. In the past two years I have eased it down ever so slightly a few times. The first few times I got hurt. Mildly injured, that is. Since then, at the first sign of trouble I have snapped the wall back up quicker than the blink of an eye.

You’re not calling when you said you would? *SNAP*

You’re not gonna show up on time? *SNAP*

You just said what about your own mother?? *SNAP*

Criminal record? *SNAP* (although that one’s obvious)

Excessive traffic violations? *SNAP*

You think women should work full time and run the whole house while raising 62 kids and still want to have sex all the time? *SNAP*

You DON’T think women should work? *SNAP*

So I need to lower this wall and let someone in. I’m just scared. I look for problems where there are none. I look for faults and judge them as if I have none. I hide behind the excuse that I am a mother and I have to be careful who I let in for my son’s sake. That is true, but I have been far too…snappy. I think I want to let the wall down now. I think I need someone who is willing to move at a snail’s pace with me, but I think I need to let it down. In fact, my first reaction to, “I will never hurt you” is never say never. That’s sad.

I need to reclaim myself.

I need to find some happiness.

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8 thoughts on “Sometimes I feel…

  1. I know what you mean about losing yourself. I can’t believe how much I’ve changed since becoming a mom. From the clothes I used to wear, to the music I used to love; I have evolved around my children. It is so strange! Sometimes I feel sad about it, but I know that everything has to change for us to grow as individuals. You are smart to have a guard up and even smarter to know when to take it down a bit, for your own growth! Good luck 🙂

    • Yeah, I think it happens to everyone. It’s just..ugh. Seriously ALL I do is parent. Ever. Tonight he’s staying with his dad again because I’m getting a “break” for my birthday tomorrow…but you know what my big plans are? Laundry and cleaning out the toy box. I don’t even have any friends left lol.

  2. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I went through this same thing before. After my first son was born I wouldn’t let anybody in. I trusted no one. I snapped that wall up faster than you’d think. But eventually, I had to trust in someone to let me bring it back down. It takes times, and it has to go slowly, but you can do it. I’m here if you ever want to talk!

  3. Once you’ve found yourself…don’t let go. It’s the natural ebb & flow of life to go through these feelings, but getting out of those feelings can be difficult. Your trust issues are going to be greater than mine, because you have a kid. You have to think about yourself and him! It’s a process, but I’m sure you’ll get through it!

  4. This wall is very hard to remove especially because you have a child. You need to be protective of yourself and your child and therefore have some kind of barrier built up but not so much of a barrier that no one can get through. I hope you are able to find a balance that works for you and can start to feel happy again.

  5. I’ve been there, to an extent. It took my divorce for me to realize I had indeed lost myself and who I was. Its been a year now since I’ve started “rediscovering” myself and I am much happier for it. As I’m sure most people say, it takes time. Well… it does, and sadly its not as quick of a process than we would hope to be. Things will get better, I didn’t think they would but they did. They will for you too 🙂

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