…like the past few years have sucked everything out of me. I can’t explain the feeling. I looked at old pictures today. They were taken shortly before I got pregnant. I looked happy. I looked peaceful. I looked far younger.
I love my son with every ounce of everything in my body. The thing is, I really have lost myself. I am not the same person I used to be.
I realized today that I have become so negative and so jaded that I will never be happy again if I stay on this path. The only thing holding me back is me. I don’t trust anyone. At all. There is not a single person in my life that I can look at and think, “yeah, they’ll be there if I need them.” I have this wall up. In the past two years I have eased it down ever so slightly a few times. The first few times I got hurt. Mildly injured, that is. Since then, at the first sign of trouble I have snapped the wall back up quicker than the blink of an eye.
You’re not calling when you said you would? *SNAP*
You’re not gonna show up on time? *SNAP*
You just said what about your own mother?? *SNAP*
Criminal record? *SNAP* (although that one’s obvious)
Excessive traffic violations? *SNAP*
You think women should work full time and run the whole house while raising 62 kids and still want to have sex all the time? *SNAP*
You DON’T think women should work? *SNAP*
So I need to lower this wall and let someone in. I’m just scared. I look for problems where there are none. I look for faults and judge them as if I have none. I hide behind the excuse that I am a mother and I have to be careful who I let in for my son’s sake. That is true, but I have been far too…snappy. I think I want to let the wall down now. I think I need someone who is willing to move at a snail’s pace with me, but I think I need to let it down. In fact, my first reaction to, “I will never hurt you” is never say never. That’s sad.
I need to reclaim myself.
I need to find some happiness.