I haven’t written a post in a long time. I haven’t even been on Twitter much. I have been taking some time to
melt in the heat think about some things. I have realized something strange about myself.
There are some people that I like very much. I like reading their blogs. I like seeing their tweets. I like talking to them. I just have a very hard time having a conversation with them and being myself. I don’t know if it’s because I am intimidated by them or if they just make me nervous somehow, but I am smart and funny and genuine until I talk to these people. Then I make stupid jokes and awkwardly try to interject myself into the conversation. It doesn’t help when they give short, condescending replies, either.
This is why I’m intimidated. I don’t by any means consider myself a full time blogger. I don’t do a whole bunch of blog hops. I don’t do guest posts (because nobody asks, because I have nothing important to say haha). As you can see, I still have the free blog at wordpress.com. I’m not in this for money or the numbers of people who read anything I write. I just need to get it out. Honestly, after the “I’m Failing” post I was shocked that so many people actually read this thing! I don’t want a ton of social recognition. I have always had a close group of friends and a whole bunch of acquaintances. That’s just how I am. I have insanely large trust issues, and there are very few people I open up to all the way. That’s why I don’t ever plan on my blog having daily posts. I don’t plan on spilling every detail of my life. I am generally ok with this.
However, when I am talking to someone who does this all day every day all the time, I am SO intimidated. I feel like they are viewing me as beneath them. Not everyone, of course. I have some very good bloggy friends who do an amazing job and I am in awe of. One of whom, Kimberly from Mama’s Monologues, ends up hearing almost every single one of my problems (Sorry, Kim!).
I just feel like I am making myself a social outcast by fumbling over words and sounding like a complete moron. It only makes me shy away more. I’m sure I’m giving myself more credit than I should have. I doubt any of them think anything of me at all, much less worry about how much of a dork I am. I know, however, that I don’t really fit in the club. It gets to me, but at the same time, I don’t think I can make myself vulnerable enough to do all of the writing prompts and vlogs and blog hops.
So, that’s what the absence has been about. Just collecting my thoughts. Trying to decide if I should even continue doing this if I’m not going to make it any bigger than it is. For now, the answer is yes.
Also, thank you guys for always making me feel welcome and like I am not crazy when I spill out all of my insane thoughts on you! I love you guys!