I’m sure that you guys could tell that I’ve really been a big ball of stress lately. It’s been a hectic summer, and not in the fun way. Yesterday I reached a breaking point. It wasn’t pretty.
Yesterday I found out that I was lied to by my ex. Again. I don’t know why I was surprised. In the course of our entire relationship, I’m pretty sure the only thing that he hasn’t lied to me about was his name. That and the fact that he likes cars. So, usually I take it in stride as much as I can.
Yesterday, though, he just would not stop asking why I was so upset. I was holding it in. I was biting my lip even to keep all of the rage from the past 2 years (2 years today) in. It did not work. In a moment that I am not proud of, I screamed at him at the top of my lungs in my driveway. I knew that I was about to blow, and I should have just walked inside even though he kept telling me not to. I should have kept my mouth shut. There is so much that I should have done differently. I didn’t, though. I EXPLODED. Usually when I am angry I cannot put a sentence together. I put many sentences together yesterday. For an hour I put sentences together (although we moved inside after the initial screaming). It has always been my goal not to fight in front of my son. He knows that. I think that’s why he kept pushing me. He didn’t think I would actually argue.
The hour I spent pouring my heart and soul out was apparently not enough. As he left yesterday, he told me to tell him if there was anything else on my mind so that we can avoid explosions in the future. Last night I could not sleep. I was still upset. I STILL have not slept. I ended up writing what turned out to be a 2,000 word email to him explaining everything else that I felt that I didn’t say yesterday.
I realized that maybe I still feel more anger toward him than I let myself believe. I feel pretty badly for the way things turned out yesterday. I know that I made him feel bad. When I do manage to get words out when I am angry, they are very precise, pointed, and full of rage and venom. Not a single one of them was untrue. I just feel badly that it all came out that way.
I don’t write much about him on here because I know that some of his family members read the blog. I don’t want it to seem as though I am putting him down. I have made mistakes, he has made mistakes, we have all messed everything up. I just can’t hold this stuff in anymore. I can’t do that to myself. After crying for most of the last 24 hours, I feel like a whole new person. I feel like a mean person, but I feel like I finally told the truth for the first time in 2 years. 2 years of rage is a lot to hold in. As I was letting it out, I felt like I could not breathe. Now I feel like I can breathe better than I have in years. I am sure that over the course of the rest of our lives, this man that I had a child with will continue to anger me. I will continue to pester him and make him angry. The good part about this is, we both care enough about our son to keep making the other person strive to be a better parent. That’s got to be worth something, right?
About ten minutes ago I smiled. I realized it was the first time in weeks. You really can’t take on the weight of the world and keep it all bottled up. The bottle will explode at some point. The blind rage and fury that you have been bottling will shoot out. The bottle cap may injure someone. It’s just not safe. My sincere hope is that yesterday when I blew up that the bottle I have been keeping it all in blew up, too. I don’t want to start to fill it up again.