If I’m Honest…

If I’m honest with myself, I’m a lot more sensitive than I let myself believe.

If I’m honest, I am still deeply hurt by rejection, both past and present.

If I’m honest, I do need an adult to talk to at the end of the day.

I’m just so very rarely honest with myself. I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism I’ve devised to keep out the pain. I don’t know if there’s any way I can turn it off now. I like the me that I am when I’m not honest with myself better. I like thinking that I’m too strong to care whether anyone likes me or not. I like thinking that I don’t need anyone but my son. That’s just not going to get me anywhere. Ignoring the faults and flaws that I have will NOT make them go away.

I need to figure out a way to not only lie to myself and tell myself that I’m not sensitive, but to tell myself not to be hurt too easily AND put it into action. I need to move past people in my past who have told me that I’m not good enough. Not a good enough daughter. Not a good enough friend. Not a good enough girlfriend. Not a good enough mother. Somewhere deeeeeeeeeeep down inside, I know that I am good enough at all of those things. I am the best that I can be to the people in my life. There are just some people that won’t get it. There may be a point in the future that I can remove them from my life, but right now there isn’t a way to do that. So I need to find a way to become the person I want to be while still being realistic with myself.

I am sensitive because I care.

I am hurt when people hurt me because I am human.

I need someone to talk to because I am lonely.

I’m allowed to be hurt. I’m allowed to be lonely, even if I have no intention of settling for the next guy who comes along. I just need to also learn to move past it and not let the pain, anger, loneliness, and the past in general eat away at the present and future.

If I’m honest with myself, I know I deserve to have a future without those constraints.

 

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2 thoughts on “If I’m Honest…

  1. Kadie, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. To move past things you have to be honest with yourself, and it’s going to hurt, but you’ll make it through and be happier on the other side. I promise, been there, done that.

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