Maybe This Is As Good As It Gets..But Maybe Not.

Things don’t seem to work out right for me. It’s not for lack of trying. With the exception of the odd period of serious depression here and there, if I do something I give it my all. Life hasn’t turned out the way I expected it. I know that sounds really whiny. The thing is, I grew up hearing that I could do anything. I could be anything. I could have anything. I believed it. I worked HARD in school. I was my own worst critic. It made me very stressed out at a very early age, but I was a straight A student with a job and I was in just about every extracurricular activity that wasn’t a sport (I’m seriously uncoordinated. I will have to do a whole post about that). So, senior year came. Everyone picked colleges. I told my parents where I wanted to go, I applied, and I was accepted. It wasn’t until after I accepted my acceptance that my mom told me I was on my own paying for it. I may have had a part time job at K-mart, but I didn’t have $15,000 a semester. Also, I couldn’t get any grants because my parents made too much. They were in this weird bracket where they made too much to get financial aid and too little to actually pay for it. They wouldn’t take out student loans, and I didn’t want to put myself that far in debt that young.

So, I enrolled in the local Kent State University and I moved out. My first semester, in an effort to get it over with as soon as possible, I took 18 credit hours. I worked full time, too, because I had moved out. I tried to see my friends. I never slept or ate though (side note: I have never been that skinny in my life. THAT was kinda cool). By the second semester when I was driving to the main branch every day, working, and trying to still have a life, I was exhausted. I was burning out quickly. I started smoking (I quit, don’t yell at me). I started drinking (not really heavily compared to most college kids, but since I swore I would never drink…well..). I started shopping.

You see, when you go to college, people throw credit cards at you. I got 2. I said they were for an emergency. Soon an emergency was, “wow, those are cute shoes and the sale ends TOMORROW.” The thing was, I was 18. I moved out too soon, I had no experience with money, and eventually it came to the point where the bills were more than I had coming in. Oops. So, instead of asking for help, I, stupidly, just didn’t pay things sometimes. Anyway, the point of this tangent was that I am just now trying to rebuild my credit, and I refuse to ever touch another credit card. It took 10 years to pay for the stuff I bought then. The “necessities” like perfume and 3 curling irons (I have never and probably never will regularly curl my hair).

So, here I was, all full of “potential” getting myself all off track while I tried to figure out what to do. I was burning out fast, and while I still had all A’s in my classes, I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to listen to someone mumble at the chalkboard at 8 am about trigonometry. I didn’t want to wait around for an hour and a half between classes, and the only thing nearby to do was shop. I didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t WANT to do it anymore. I had pushed myself so hard for as long as I could remember and I just wanted a break from something.

Something ended up being school after another semester. That is my one regret in life. I could have just taken less classes. I could have scheduled classes on only Tuesday and Thursday or something. Instead I just quit. I gave up on myself. I thought I couldn’t do it. For the first time in my life I saw an obstacle and I just walked away.

I was so disappointed in myself. I was depressed. So I shopped some more. I would get paid and have money and look at the pile of bills and say, “ok, but I NEED a new {insert thing I didn’t need}.” This trend of idiocy went on until I was about 23. At 28 I am just finally bouncing back. I still haven’t paid off the student loans, either (which is why I haven’t gone back to school. Long story.), but I recently checked my credit and my total outstanding debt is down to $1,273 dollars. That’s not bad for 28 right?

So, I am trying to get myself back on track, but no matter what I do it is not good enough. I honestly don’t know if I am just being too hard on myself or if I really DO suck at everything I have tried to do in my adult life.

So, maybe this is as good as it gets. Surviving. Alone. Maybe I am just full of wasted potential because I made some stupid mistakes when I was 18-23. Maybe.

But maybe not. That’s why I am pulling the old me out of the closet. The one who was full of potential. The one who wanted things and had dreams, and didn’t let things stand in her way. The one who is pissed off that I wasted all of her hard work to be sitting here stagnant 10 years later. The one who never planned on being a single mother, but can probably figure out how to incorporate that into my life. The one that I had planned on being all along.

Too bad her clothes don’t still fit!

Advertisements

One thought on “Maybe This Is As Good As It Gets..But Maybe Not.

  1. Oh yes, I’ve been there and I’m still recovering from it. You can do it. You can be the person you saw yourself as years ago. Hold your head up. You’re doing great!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s