To 2011 that is, not you guys! In fact, I am making it a point in 2012 to write more for fun, so you’ll be hearing from me a lot.
I am, however, here to say goodbye to a year full of…everything. In 2011 I found myself examining things more closely instead of just going through the motions of life. I had been doing that for 10 years, and it wasn’t working. By the end of last year I was more lost than I have ever been. The only way I could describe myself was “mother.” I hate to say it, but I lost myself in mothering. To set the record straight, I am happy to take care of my son. I love him, and we have been to hell and back together. I wouldn’t trade a moment with him for anything in the world, but you know the saying it takes a village to raise a child? For 3 years I was the village. The. Whole. Damn. Village. By myself. There was a breaking point this year, though. The day I ended up screaming in the driveway I realized that I could not keep doing what I was doing.
Things didn’t magically change overnight. Well, they did because I think he was scared of me for a little bit, but they went back to normal shortly thereafter. He still makes choices that make me want to rip my hair out, but the difference is, now I will ask for help. I am no longer afraid to make him mad asking for him to watch his son so that I can have a life, although it still doesn’t happen as often as I’d like.
This year I learned that, even if people on both sides of an argument want you to listen to and take their side, you CAN say, “this fight is none of my business. I love you both, and I will not be in the middle.” You can say this and they won’t be upset. I think people don’t realize they do this.
This year, I started believing in Santa again. Maybe not Santa, but in the overall general goodness of people. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t by any means think everyone is good, but I do think that in general, people might not be as bad as I thought they were. It’s hard not to be bitter when everyone you’ve ever allowed yourself to love has either hurt you so deeply that you can’t ever fully recover or just left. I couldn’t tell you which is worse, to be honest. To just leave hurts so much because it feels like you are not worth staying for…but staying and hurting someone over and over? Why?
I have realized a few things this year about myself. I get told constantly that I am good at things, and I deny it. This year I realized that maybe I am not so terrible at everything.
This year I have been reminded that in addition to a mother, a writer, and a surprisingly good cook, I am a woman, too. Regardless of whether I have been hurt, whether I am a mom, whether I have stretch marks or a less than perfect body, I am still a woman. I still want to step away from being a mom and put on makeup and dress up sometimes. I still want to be complimented. I still want to feel beautiful, funny, and sexy. I have also learned that that is ok. I don’t need to be defined as just a single mother. I am glad that someone stepped up and reminded me. I’m glad I took a chance and let them. Thank you.
I have learned this year that things in life are not always perfect. I’m not going to get what I want just because I want it no matter how much I deserve it.
I have learned that, really, I wouldn’t give up this life to have the old one back in a million years. I wouldn’t want to. I don’t know how I lived before with the crushing sense of meaninglessness that truly was my life. I now know that, no matter what, I am here for a reason. I am here to be my son’s mother. There are times that I think that I’m not good at it, but that’s just too bad. This is why I am here, so I better suck it up and GET good at it. This kid only gets one mother, and I am her. And me? I only get one life, so I better stop hoping and wishing it will change on its own and get off my butt and change it.
Lastly, I have learned that there are thousands of people out there that I can relate to. Twitter has informed me of this. I am not the only person feeling any of this. I need to thank every single new friend I have made this year, whether I have met you in person or not. I love every one of you.
So, here’s to hoping that 2012 will be equally full of revelations for not only myself, but all of you.
Happy New Year!