This is my mantra for 2012. Seriously, come to my house. It’s on a note on the bathroom mirror, it’s on the fridge, it’s on a cute little electronic post it note on my laptop. It’s in my head. It applies to every aspect of my life. It applies to getting back in shape, getting a better job, making new friends, reorganizing my house, and just in general getting things done.
In 2009 I was so shocked by what had happened to my life I stood completely still and let it sink in. In 2010 I wallowed in self pity and self loathing. Last year was up and down. I started making changes, but they were often lateral. When I failed I often struggled to stay out of the self pity trap I had been in. By the end of the year, though, I got my motivation back. I felt my old self coming back. She was ready to rip me apart for what I had done to her life. The one that I, at one point, worked very hard for. This year I am fighting to just keep moving. To move forward, sideways, up, down, just not back where I have spent the pay few years. Not the place I clawed my way out of last year. I will not go back there.
It’s ok for me to be sad. It’s ok to be lonely. It’s ok to want things…for my son, for myself, for the world. It’s all ok, as long as I keep moving through it. It’s ok to admit that sometimes I want someone to just be here. That sometimes I am hurt. I don’t need to try to pretend that single parenthood has made me numb. It is better for me, and it’s better for my son to see someone have emotions and move on with their life. I never saw that. My mom was always either laughing or yelling. There was not an option to be just sad but still be ok. I’m an emotional person. I feel things. I feel pain. I feel joy. I feel anger. None of these makes me a bad person. None of them make me a bad mother. This is HARD. Parenting is HARD. It’s ok to be sad that I don’t have anyone to share the experience with. It’s even ok that I am a little jealous if those that do (but I still love you guys). It’s ok to want more than this for us.
On a sort of different note, the other day I told two people that I wanted to save up money and try to take my son to Disney World for his 5th birthday and my 30th. I have never been on vacation. Ever. Both of those people just smirked at me like I should feel bad for hoping I could save enough to go. I know it’s expensive. I priced it… I still want to try-and if I end up short, well there’s a Sesame Street place in Pennsylvania…or beaches all along the east coast. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for wanting, just once in my life, to go somewhere and have fun with my kid. Those are milestone birthdays for both of us, and we deserve it. So, when one if them followed the smirk with, “how the hell are you going to do that?” I allowed myself to feel angry…but I kept on moving, and I didn’t change my mind.